


Where's My Love

by mishabloom



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Breaking Up & Making Up, Canon Gay Relationship, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, M/M, Memories, Post Season 3, Teen Romance, mentions of mental health issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-02 17:09:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8675737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mishabloom/pseuds/mishabloom
Summary: Sometimes it takes just a week to mend a broken heart, or How much everything changed (or not so much;) a little bit more than a year later after the events of the third season





	1. What do we have next?

**Author's Note:**

> Isak is happy and content with who he is in here! He is not struggling or being depressed, etc, he is fine. Well, not fine fine, but fine enough. You'll see xxx  
> the title is a the name of a song "where's my love" by SYML

Thursday

 

Isak liked to think that he was an adult now, 18 years old, almost done with school and ready to dive into a scary world of independent life. Apart from being totally ready, because it was almost deadline time to send out applications to universities, and he still hadn’t decided where he saw himself next year.

“Did you at least choose a faculty yet?!”, Isak snapped out of his thoughts and remembered that he was sitting in the middle of cafeteria with his friends.  Jonas was stressing out, but not about himself, he already chose the university and was done with the application process. For the last few weeks he couldn’t stop nagging Isak about his future plans.

“Yes, yes! Calm down, mom! I have to choose a university, but I am not even sure I want to stay in Oslo, you know? The world is so big and there are so many opportunities, I am just afraid I will choose the wrong thing.” When did they start talking so openly about their thoughts and problems? It still felt weird, but in a _good weird_ kind of way. For the past year their bond only became stronger, but it wasn’t surprising – after everything they went through.

Magnus left out a chuckle staring at Isak in disbelief, “And where would you go? Where do they have it better than here? Sweden!? Please, say no! Germany? England?”

Everyone around the table got silent. Jonas was looking at his friend with a withering look, as if he just said the most stupid thing in the whole wide world. He and Mahdi exchanged worrying glances before looking up at Isak’s face. But his expression didn’t change, not even for a second, he didn’t flinch and his eyes didn’t try to hide the sadness, not for a moment. He was still himself, bright eyes and big smile, looking straight at Magnus, not paying attention to Jonas. Or maybe he was trying to avoid meeting his eyes, either way, he just said, “Don’t you want to leave? Maybe you’ll have more luck with girls somewhere else, you must have already tried to hook up with every girl in Oslo.” There it was - his coping mechanism, hiding behind a sarcastic remark or a joke. Boys simultaneously let out a breath they didn’t know they were holding, proceeding to talk about girls in school but Isak wasn’t listening. He was trying with everything that he had not to indulge in memories of last year.

* * *

“You sure you’re fine?” Jonas asked when they left their friends and were on the way to the lockers.

“Why wouldn’t I? He didn’t mean it that way, so it’s whatever. It’s not like I’m even thinking about it, you know? I thought about somewhere in Norway, but just not in Oslo,” Isak hated to see that expression on his friend’s face, he didn’t want Jonas to pity him.

“So what about that party tomorrow?” He decided to just change the subject completely not giving Jonas another chance to discuss their future. “We can’t have a pre-drink at mine, Linn is being all pissy about four boys in our kitchen and it being way too loud for her. Can we have it at Eva’s? They are going too, right?”

Jonas nodded in silence, proceeding to open his locker. Isak followed his lead, entering his own code on his locker. And then he felt like the world stopped. There were no more people in the hallway, there were no time and space, only his locker and a piece of paper carefully stuck to the inside of its little door.

“What is it?” he heard Jonas ask while approaching to peek inside Isak’s locker, “You look like you saw a ghost.”

And it indeed felt like this. The drawing on the paper was divided into two parts, just as Isak remembered so many times before. Both parts contained a screen of the phone opened in Messages. On the left side there was a text Isak could recognise in his sleep. It was a message back from July last year. To be more specific, it was the last message he ever received from this person. He knew it by heart because of countless days and weeks he spent staring and rereading it, hoping for something new to appear. That was it on the left side, just this old text. On the right side the new bubble with a neatly written text appeared. Isak looked over his shoulder to make sure Jonas saw what he saw, that it wasn’t a dream or a hallucination.

_“I’m in town for a couple of weeks. Just wanted to let you know myself, before you heard it from someone who doesn’t matter.”_

And of course the same words on top as in all previous drawings Isak had ever received – “At the same time in a completely different place in the universe.” Isak took the drawing in his hands not knowing what to do or how to react, when he noticed a little note on the back. “Sorry I did it old-school style, couldn’t find courage to actually text” Well, that was something new. This person usually didn’t care to explain the reasons behind his drawings.

“Is it what I think it is?” Jonas finally was able to speak, but Isak couldn’t answer, his heart was beating way too fast and it felt like it was about to break his chest open. “Isak, breathe. You were totally fine today when Magnus said that stupid shit. You were totally fine for the last half of the year. Or is it already more than that? C’mon, it doesn’t mean that you have to open up the old wounds and stress about this. Everything is fine, just breathe.”

Isak looked up at Jonas at last and whispered so quiet, he wasn’t sure words actually escaped his mouth, “I’m okay, really. Just took me by surprise, that’s all” He hid the drawing in his pocket, took another breath and then smiled, “What do we have next? Biology?”


	2. Too good to be true

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was listening to "my own" by whitaker on repeat while writing this

Friday

 

Yes, he said that he was fine, but he still decided to avoid his usual routes to and from school, jumping as every stranger, who remotely reminded Isak of _him,_ passed him on the street. Right now he and his squad were on their way to the party; the city was going to sleep, but their night was just starting to get interesting. Jonas and he didn’t discuss the drawing and everything that came with it anymore since yesterday, and Isak was glad.

They did it so many times before, everything was on autopilot mode now. Greet whoever’s house the party was in, make their way to the drinks, pass the same faces every week, listen to the same music and then dance. Everything was going according to their plan, when somewhere in the middle Isak noticed some people staring at him. It was strange, the last time he got this kind of attention was more than a year ago when he came out (or to be specific he was outed). People weren’t talking behind his back this time, but they were giving him that look like they were surprised to see him. “What’s going on?” Isak shouted trying to get his friends’ attention, but the music was too loud, and the guys were already scattered around the room. He was alone with a beer in his hand, trying to find a place to stand or sit so that people would stop staring at him. The walls started to close down on him, people kept accidentally bumping into him and the music was getting louder and louder in his head. What the hell was happening? He found a wall that we could lean on and started to observe people's behaviour to calm down, when the song changed and for a couple of seconds he didn’t pay attention to the next beat.

Was this universe for real?He thought that nothing could make this party worse, but hearing _that_ Gabrielle song was just too much. He closed his eyes and rested his head on the wall behind him. “Now the only thing that could make this joke of a night complete would be seeing him in front of me” Isak thought as he opened his eyes and… everything was the same. He sharply exhaled and then wondered whether he actually wanted to see that person or not. Maybe it would be better for him to just go home, the night started off strangely and he wasn’t really enjoying himself anymore.

He decided to text Jonas about it as he was pushing people out of his way trying to get to the door. And at that moment a strong hand of one of the people he tried to get past grabbed his own, and drew Isak closer.

* * *

 

 There they were. In the middle of the room at a party full of drunk people. They have been in this situation so many times before, but never quite like this. They used to be that one couple who would dance the night away never letting go of each other. People used to not understand why they would bother to come, if at the end they didn’t pay attention to anyone else. But they used to like to be able to show off their love to the world - eyes full of desire, sweat on their foreheads, deep kisses and two bodies moving as one.

Now everything was different. _Now_ was awkward, unknown and silent for too long. Isak was trying to focus on the person in front of him and not let his eyes immediately fill with tears. Even was standing next to him. **_His Even_** was holding his hand in his own and it was all too good to be true.

“It’s our song” was the first thing Even said to him. This was his first words to Isak since July, and of course they were perfect! It had been more than 8 months since they spoke, but nothing in Even changed. He was handsome as always, hair styled perfectly, he was dressed in a simple white t-shirt with a plaid shirt over it. All of this reminded Isak of that time right at the start of their relationship when Even appeared at his door, all dreamy and perfect. “It’s so nice to see you!” Even continued, waiting for Isak to talk, but instead of this, Isak pulled him into a tight hug. Even smelled differently, which was pretty obvious, more than half a year passed since they last were in each other’s presence. They used to joke that the scent of them spending time together was bottled up and released as a limited edition just for two of them. Isak felt Even’s arms around his waist and he was on the verge of melting in this embrace, when he remembered the cruel reality.

They weren’t together anymore. There wasn’t even _“them”_ anymore, just Isak and Even. But why did it feel so familiar as if they didn’t break up over the phone a thousand mile apart? Memories hit Isak all at once and he abruptly moved away from Even. People were staring, he could feel strangers’ eyes burning holes in his back. He wanted to run and hide, but he couldn’t get himself to leave Even’s personal space. Isak looked his ex-boyfriend in the eyes and silently asked one of the taboo questions with his eyes. The kind of question that you shouldn’t ask your ex-lover unless you enjoy pain and want to uncover everything that hurt you to experience it all over again.

_“Do you want to get out of here?”_

Even’s answer was very simple. He raised his eyebrows in a way that always made Isak lose his mind, took younger boy’s hand and started to move towards the door. Isak was happy to follow, at the same time mentally slapping himself for thinking that they still could read each other’s minds.

“Where to?” Even asked guiding Isak into a taxi that they caught down the road. “Mine”, Isak answered realising that he was still holding Even’s hand. Even noticed this too, but didn’t let go. They were silent the whole ride, each staring out of their own window, with their intertwined hands resting on the seat between them. Isak was coming up with all the things he was going to ask Even when they reach his flat, while Even was simply enjoying the warm feeling growing inside of him, releasing his fingers from Isak’s grip just to start drawing circles on his palm. Knowing that they will be silent until they shut the door leaving the whole world behind them, Isak braced himself and said to no one in particular, “It’s nice”.

* * *

 

The space and awkwardness between them came back when they were finally alone. 

“Nice drawing. How did you manage to get in into my locker?” This should be a good start for a conversation, Isak decided.

“I remember you code,” Even said simply as if it wasn’t big deal at all. “So, nothing changed here,” he observed, moving around Isak’s room. Same bed, same curtains, same books on the shelf, same posters on the… He stared at the part of the wall right over the bed that used to be filled with photos of two of them and his drawings. Even felt stinging pain in his heart. _Why did we break up?_ he tried to remember. Oh right, _because I left._

“How’s London?” Isak asked, trying to hide a repulsion he felt actually saying “London” out loud.

“Different” was the answer he got. _Lonely without you by my side_ , were Even’s thoughts.

“How is school? Did you choose where to study next?”

“School is fine” _Empty without you holding my hand in a hallway_ , were Isak’s thoughts, “And no, I’m still deciding”

And dead silence again. They were studying each other, their eyes meeting sometimes and lips breaking into weak smiles. The tension was becoming unbearable and they both started speaking at the same time.

“I miss you”

“I’m seeing someone”

Even’s eyes widened in shock and he immediately regretted his confession. _Of course Isak is dating someone else_ , he said to himself, _did I really think that his life just stopped after I left?_

“Well, we are not actually together or even dating for that matter. We are supposed to go out tomorrow for the first time,” Isak felt the need to explain himself when he saw Even’s face, “Sorry, I don’t know why I am still talking about this.”

“It’s okay, no, it’s great actually! Listen, I think I should go, it’s already late, but it was great to catch up. Sorry for the drawing, I should stop being so dramatic and just text people instead.” Isak raised his eyebrow at these words. “Not, not that I drew these kind of sketches to anyone else.”

Even wasn’t nervous, but he was rambling so fast to get out of this situation, moving towards the hallway, when Isak appeared right in front of him, placing his hand on the back of Even’s neck. Without thinking Even automatically gripped Isak by his t-shirt, pulling him closer, using a little too much strength resulting in them bumping into the wall. All of this brought back numerous memories of them in the same position not being able to get their hands of each other. Isak pressed Even into the wall with his weight and exhaled into his neck the same words he had said a hundred times before, “Stay”.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have another chapter that is ready to go, but after that it'll probably take me a day or two to upload the next one


	3. Rise and shine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "if you read our story backwards, it's about how I un-broke you heart, and then we were happy until one day, you forgot about me forever"

Saturday

 

It took a solid minute for Even to realise where he was and who was sleeping next to him. Chasing away the memories, he turned over to face the boy who was quietly snoring with his arms around Even’s waist. They didn’t do anything that they could regret today, they didn’t even kiss, but being right here right now still felt very intimate. Even didn’t want to move, because he remembered that Isak always woke up when he started tossing in their bed. Yes, it was their bed, as Even spent almost every night here. Isak’s flat mates didn’t mind, on the contrary they always looked at Even with admiration which made him laugh every time. Now his bed was in London in the small quirky apartment he was renting alone. Of course over the last months he had had dates that ended up in his bedroom, but nothing ever felt as personal as this.

He put his hand of Isak’s cheek smiling to the feeling of the soft skin underneath his fingers. There was one thing in particular that Even hated about their break up. If only he knew that the last time he spent the night with Isak, kissing every inch of his burning body _was going to be the last time,_ he would have tried to remember every second of it.

He had decided to move to London right after he was done with school to give himself time to adjust to the new city and new life. He remembered the awful day when he was saying goodbye to Isak at the airport, kissing him deeper and longer every time, not wanting to let go, postponing his departure right until he had less than 30 minutes until boarding. They weren’t ashamed to show their emotions, crying and hugging under the intense gazes of passing strangers. He still remembers the last time he turned around and saw Isak shaking in the arms of his father.

They were going strong for a couple of weeks, talking and texting all the time, spending evenings on Skype. Everything was the same. Until it wasn’t anymore. Even found a part time job and was trying to spend more time with his co-workers and now friends, and Isak never resented. That’s how he remembers Isak, always understanding and ready to help him through everything. They thought they would be the couple that proudly went through long distance and then made fun of the best and worst times sitting together somewhere in a pub in London. Instead, they grew apart, Even started rarely calling and answering his phone, and when they were on the phone they didn’t really have anything to talk about. They missed each other like crazy, but they knew they were able to live without one another. They were holding onto something that was already gone. Until it got too much and they broke up. Just like that, there were no drama, no jealousy or cheating, even no screaming. But sure as hell there were a lot of tears. Even remembers his own shaking voice when he told Isak about his decision, and he will never be able to forget his little pure boyfriend’s voice breaking mid-sentence and heartbreaking sobs he tried to hide from him. Even is sure that this was the saddest day of his life so far.

“You are staring,” quietly said Isak, examining other boy’s face while placing his hand on Even’s that was resting on his own cheek. Even winced in surprise returning from the land of memories focusing on reality, “Sorry, did I wake you?”

“Yes, by being too quiet, you usually toss and turn the whole morning… well, you used to, you know, when we were, so, I just…” Isak sighed loudly, giving up trying to make this less uncomfortable.

“Oh, right, I was deep in my thoughts and I didn’t want to wake you, you seemed so peaceful.”

“ **Rise and shine, sleepyhead!** ”, the door opened with a sharp sweep, and both Eskild and Jonas froze in the doorway. Isak jumped to his feet only to realise that he was wearing nothing but his underwear, while Even sunk under the blanket.

“Um, excuse us,” Eskild was already closing the door, pulling Jonas into the living room, “I think we opened the door into the past”

Isak was standing in shock trying to comprehend what just happened, when he heard muffled laughter from under the blanket. “Do you seriously find that funny?!” Isak hissed annoyingly, but he didn’t notice the strong hand peaking under the blanket that pulled his leg and resulted in him falling back on the bed. They were a mess of laughter and tickles, and they heard Jonas shout “Oh, c’mon, are you for real?!” from the hallway when he clearly wanted to give this strange situation another chance, but bailed when heard them being all cute behind the closed door. “Isak, I’m telling my friend that you are sick and not coming to the date, you cheeky heartbreaker!”

Isak mentally thanked Jonas for understanding what he needed right now. He needed this man next to him to stop tickling his neck, because it was getting hot in the room, but the next thing he knows they were already calmed down, Even laying on his back and Isak pressed to his side.

“Do you remember the first time I spend the whole weekend with you?”

“Do you mean that time when you run away before I woke up? Vividly, yes”

“Oh, you _are_ still bitter over that! You were lying to me the whole time saying that you let it go! But no, I am talking about our first proper sleepover. When I …”

“When you went down on me for the first time, yes. I remember that night vividly as well” Isak tried to be an adult about this but he still could feel himself blush, at least Even didn’t notice this.

“Yeah, right. But that’s not what I am talking about. That was the first time you announced to the people that there was something between us. Do you remember? You posted that picture of me in your shirt,” Even didn’t know where he was going with it, but he liked to remember the happy moments. “I kept it, I have it back in London”

“Didn’t know you were the soppy one” Isak joked hiding his smile imagining Even somewhere out and about in London wearing his clothes. He finally looked up at Even, their eyes met and Isak demandingly lifted his chin up. Even knew exactly what that meant. That was the thing Isak did when they were together when he wanted a kiss, but didn’t want to be the one to initiate it. Even was hesitating. If he let himself free now, he wouldn’t ever be able to stop kissing Isak. But if he was to restrain himself from lowering his lips on Isak’s, he would regret it immediately.

"Do you ever regret anything in your life?" he heard himself asking, trying to hide the nerves. Isak knew that Even was interested specifically in his regrets regarding their relationship, but was too afraid to ask directly. 

"You already know the answer, _Even_." Was this the first time he said his name out loud in months? Maybe. Did it feel different? Not really, Isak's heart still pounded at the sound of Even's name. "But I don't regret it, no, that's not what I feel. I hate it. It makes me sick to my stomach and brings me to my knees. Well, at least it used to in the past."

Even moved his face just a little bit closer to Isak’s, intently following every change in the younger boy’s expression. He knew exactly what Isak was talking about and it made him sick just hearing Isak opening up about how he felt. He never imagined how it must had been for his ex-boyfriend when they broke up. He didn't have to be the one standing in the airport and watching the love of his life leave him behind.

"Do you regret the same thing?" Isak quietly asked, already hating himself for this question. Either way, whatever the answer will be, it will hurt like hell. "Do you regret leaving? Please don't lie."

Their noses tenderly touched and they felt each other’s breaths on their lips. Even took a deep breath and finally said, "No, I don't. I hate everything that happened after that, but I don't regret getting on that plane." Isak smiled weakly, and his smile looked more like "I already knew the answer, but I needed you to say it" than anything else. His face was still extremely close to Even's, so he brought his hand to the other boy's hair, playing with it and softly tugging on it, indicating his intentions.

“Are you sure?” Even asked, feeling more nervous than the night they had sex for the first time. Instead of the answer he felt Isak’s lips glide against his own and that was enough for him to catch Isak’s lips with his open mouth silently asking for permission to deepen the kiss. For the first time in months their worlds collided and became one again.


	4. Soulmates become soulles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "who said that falling  
> out of love was not something  
> that made us better?"

Sunday.

 

“We still proved people wrong, you know? Not with a long distance thing, but in general, with us being together. People thought we were just fooling around and that you’d never leave your girlfriend.”

It was middle of the day and Isak was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, watching Even get ready to head out. He was in the process of styling his hair, using Noora’s products the way he did so many times in the past without even asking her anymore. He noticed that she still used the same type of a hairspray that he recommended her, realising that he and his habits must have rubbed off not only on Isak, but on people around them as well.

“Those people were beyond stupid. And they had no idea what was going on between us,” he said with a smile, “So, I’m all ready now and have to go, I made plans to meet up with my friends back from school.”

It was new for Isak, not being included in Even’s plans, when they used to be inseparable before.

“Yes, of course. Um, it’s was good to see you. Text me some time…or don’t, I don’t know. Anyway…” Why didn’t he think about that part? About the morning after, when the spell is broken and instead of two longing souls there were two people whose lives were headed in different directions.

“Maybe I’ll draw you something again,” Even winked taking his coat from the hanger and moving to the door. He almost didn’t want to turn around to see Isak’s face, so he stopped before leaving and rested his forehead on the door.

“You are always the one who leaves,” whispered Isak with a drop of accusation in his tone. There were no more words to be said right now, that’s why Even shrugged his shoulders and left without looking back.

* * *

 

Isak was in the kitchen, waiting for the water to boil to make some pasta, when he heard someone sneak up on him. “Even is back?” Eskild wasn’t a beating around the bush type of guy, he always said what he thought and was going straight to the point.

“Even is back” Isak echoed, turning around. Only now, after spending the weekend with his ex-boyfriend and seeing his friend’s questioning expression, the reality hit him. The reality that the boy he thought he was going to spend his life with was back. But not really, because it was only for a couple of weeks, and then he would go back to London.

“And what does this mean for you?”

“What can it mean?”

“Isak, remember all the times we stood in this exact kitchen and talked about your relationship. And now listen to me carefully, when I tell you, that this is not a good idea. He is going back, right? Remember how all of us had to put you back piece by piece. We were so afraid that if the wind blew and you would shatter. Again. God, Jonas had to stay here so many nights, just to make sure you get some sleep and go to school in the morning.”

Isak was getting frustrated and angry. Remembering the first month after the break up was the least thing he wanted to do right now. He was over that pain, he learned how to live again, how to smile, how to let other guys near him, how to flirt and kiss and touch someone who wasn’t Even. He didn’t spend the last 8 months crying in his pillow, somewhere in the process he even caught himself realising that most days he didn’t think about his ex at all.

“I know, okay? I know! I was a mess after we had broken up, and everyone around me - you, Noora, my friends, even my parents, had to deal not with me but with the ghost of me! I am not that little boy anymore. I am not going to break and I don’t need any of you to tip toe around me like I am a fragile vase!” Eskild moved back in disbelief, turned around and left without saying anything. Of course Isak regretted every word the minute he said it out loud, but he also knew better then to try and apologise to Eskild right away.

Instead of that he picked up his phone, dialled Jonas and said in a confident voice: “Tell you friend that I’m still up for a date, so if he is free tonight, he should give me a call.”

 

Monday.

 

Isak was trying to get to his class avoiding everyone’s stares and hoping to not bump into his friends right away. But to his misfortune, the whole gang was waiting for him next to his locker.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Isak decided to let them know straight away that he wasn’t in the mood for the lecture.

“The date went that bad?!”

“Where did you go?”

“Did you hook up?”

Isak stared at his friends in shock, and it took him a moment to process what they were talking about. _Oh, right, the date_. He and that guy got a coffee and then went for a walk, talking about nothing in particular. The guy tried to kiss Isak goodbye, but it just didn’t feel right. Isak knew that he made a mistake when he saw his date in the window of the coffee shop. There was nothing wrong with him, he was absolutely charming, but it felt like Isak was using him and also forcing himself to enjoy that guy’s company.

“It was fine, no sparks and butterflies though, so I don’t think there will be another one for us.”

“Is it because of Even?” These words sounded like a thunder in Isak’s ears. Jonas was looking at him deadly serious. The other guys’ eyes widened at the sound of Even’s name and they stared impatiently at Isak.

“Yes, it is, but we are not discussing him or anything you saw on Saturday. Even was and still is in the past. End of conversation.”

Truth be told, Isak texted Even right after the disastrous date, letting him know that they need to talk. “I can’t just go on with my life acting like that didn’t happen. And if I know you like I think I do, you can’t as well. We kissed!” He didn’t feel like an adult anymore, he was just a little boy once again.

But there was no respond. He was trying not to check his phone every ten minutes, but his brain was still hoping to hear the sound of a text coming in. Eventually he just gave up and concentrated on his classes.

* * *

 

New text from Mahdi:

**“Dude, you should come out. Like right now!”**

That was strange. Isak knew that some ignorant people had thought that Mahdi would be the one to have problems with his sexuality, but on the contrary he had always been supportive and understanding, which made this message very unexpected.

**“Mahdi, you know that I am already very much out…???”**

**“I mean outside, you dumbass. NOW.”**

Isak didn’t have to be told twice, so he grabbed what was left from his lunch and headed to the schoolyard. He was pretty sure he knew who would be standing there with his friends and he was absolutely right. _Does he have no shame?_ Isak thought approaching the group of people and looking straight at Even. “What are you doing here?” he asked, realising that it sounded too loud and angry, and made people turn around interestedly. “You wanted to talk,” Even answered, pulling him in for a hug.

Isak felt like puking, his stomach twisted in knots and his head was spinning. _No, no, no. He doesn’t get to come here and do that thing, the thing that makes me not being able to function around him,_ thought Isak. _He can’t just go around breaking hearts again and act as if nothing happened._ “Yeah, that was yesterday! We agreed a long time ago that you won’t ever disappear like that! Especially with the way you left yesterday!”

Even gave him that look. _The_ look. The one that only Isak understood because it was created and meant only for him. In it Isak could read both “You know I am sorry” and “You are making a scene and people are watching, pull it together” and usually it made him calmer, but not today. He turned around on his heels and started walking away. He was already around the corner when he heard Even, out of breath, calling his name.

“Let’s just talk about everything, Isak. Isak! Can you stop for a second? You can’t run away from me!”

“This is exactly the problem, don’t you see? Everywhere I turn, you are already there waiting for me! I am finally in a place where I can be happy again, I moved on, but you came back and fucked everything up!” Isak was still power walking away from the conversation, throwing accusations at Even who could barely keep up with him.

“You know I didn’t promise you anything”

The younger boy abruptly stopped and stood rooted to the spot. His eyes were filling up with tears and everything that he was suppressing started to come up to the surface. Even could see him shrink and his shoulders starting to tremble. Even was right, he didn’t actually say anything like that. But that kiss. And all the kisses that followed. He thought they meant something.

Two strong arms hugged him from behind, sheltering him from the cold. “My beautiful boy,” Even whispered into Isak’s ear, leaning closer to kiss his cheek. They stood like that for what seemed like forever, their arms intertwined around Isak’s chest, “Why do we keep doing this to ourselves?”

“You should let me go, Even. Please.” These words felt like millions razors cutting their poor hearts. “Getting over you is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, I don’t think I can do that again.”

Every inch of Even’s body screamed at him to tell Isak to not get over him. To fall in love again, to dive in and let the waves cover them. To be his again. To remember the time when they had that huge fight over nothing and didn’t speak for a week. Isak was so mad, he blocked Even’s number and deliberately avoided every place they had ever been to together, hiding in empty classrooms when he heard his voice in the hallway. They made up in the same hallway, laughing at the words written across Isak’s locker. “Still love you, call me”. Simple as that. Isak even volunteered to help him rub it off afterwards when they were caught making out in the bathroom by one of the teachers. It was less than a year ago, but the endless distance that was separating them now made all these happy memories obsolete. _Remember, I loved you,_ Even was almost about to say, when…

“Christ, can you at least once not take so long to come up with an answer? I don’t need any poetic shit right now, I need you to stop hiding behind your blinding smile with your charming flirt and be yourself,” Isak let out, now examining Even up close.

Before the older boy got a chance to say something, Isak’s phone started buzzing in his pocket. He didn’t want to let Even change the subject, but the persistent buzzing didn’t stop, so he fished out his phone out of his jacket and his facial expression immediately softened.

“It’s my father, we made plans to grab lunch together, and I am already late. Goodbye, Even”, he said pressing light gentle kiss to Even’s cheek.

The kiss was tender and inviting, but something in this farewell felt final.


	5. Mess and All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love every part of you", as in "I know I haven't seen every part of you, but I know I will love them when I finally meet them"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm taking some time to think what direction I want to lead the story next, but in the meantime i decided to write about little snippets from boys' past relationship. i thought it would be just a filler chapter, but it turned to be the biggest one so far, oopsie!  
> hope you are still enjoying the ride xxx  
> i should also acknowledge that I spent last night flipping through two books that inspired some of the parts of this chapter, those are "18 years" by madison kuhn and also "this modern love" by will darbyshire! check them out

November, 2016

“If you won’t be quiet, my flat mates will wake up and you sneaking in in the middle of the night won’t be that much of a secret anymore!” Isak hissed restraining himself from laughing at the sight of Even, who tripped over Eskild’s shoes and tried to redeem himself gracefully dancing away into Isak’s room.

“Sorry it took so long, I fell asleep while I was preparing for English tomorrow,” Even murmured into Isak’s neck, kissing his way up to his lips.

“Oh, okay, and I already thought you had another boyfriend you were sneaking out to,” Isak tried to sound offended, but how could he really, when his boyfriend’s hands were making their way under his t-shirt and teasing him with light touches. “Hey, this is not why we are gathered here today, gentleman,” Isak pretend as he was taking to an assemble of people, “We have an important matter to resolve!”

“We do indeed, monsieur,” Even played along, reaching out for Isak’s laptop. The ‘important matter’ in fact was finally finishing watching Stranger Things. Yes, Isak made that stupid remark about Emma looking like Eleven, but he never actually saw it. Even and he had the whole ritual around this tv show: they watched every episode together, they did it cuddled up in Isak’s bed, only when it was past midnight and always with a pint of strawberry cheesecake ice cream. Today was no exception.

When there were less than 20 minutes left of the last episode, Isak was on edge, jumping at every revelation and unexpected twist, asking million questions like “What is happening!? What is this flower headed monster!? Who did he leave it for?! Why the hell is there a slug!? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO BARB?”, while Even was resting his head on the pillow watching Isak’s every move with an admiring smile. He had that strange feeling inside, that was building up from his stomach, reaching his chest and demanding to break free. He felt that if he wasn’t going to say it now, he would literally burst into pieces.

“I love you,” he said as if it was totally normal for them, and watched Isak freeze, staring at the screen. Closing credits were rolling and the music was suitable for this moment more than ever, full of suspense and mystery.

“What did you just say?” Isak’s system finally rebooted and he looked back at his boyfriend with the biggest grin Even had ever seen. “I love you”, he repeated, calmly shrugging his shoulders as if it wasn’t the first time one of them had said it. Only now he noticed that Isak still hadn’t said it back, shifting to straighten up so he could see his boyfriend’s face properly.

The next thing he remembered was Isak’s arms around his neck, almost strangling him, and a quiet – quite words which were repeated at least five times, or maybe more, he stopped counting after their lips met and only little bits of Isak’s answer were still escaping his mouth between kisses,

“I love you too.”

 

December, 2016

Text to Pappa:

**“We will need an extra ticket for the concert, dad. Will that be a problem?”**

 

They were standing in front of a coffee shop, hand in hand, gathering courage to come in. For the last time Isak turned to Even and begged, “We can still leave before it’s too late. They don’t know we are already here. I don’t feel that good actually, I haven’t slept very well and it’s like 4 days past my bed time”. Isak dramatically placed back of his hand on his forehead, but Even knew the drill.

“Don’t be a wuss, love. We come to school holding hands for everyone to see every day now, and we are still alive right? This can’t be that bad,” Even said, leaning in to kiss Isak’s forehead, when he heard an awkward cough behind them. The boys turned around and stared at two people, who Even recognised as Isak’s parents. _This is the moment Isak’s life can change forever_ , he thought, feeling younger boy tighten his grip on Even’s hand. It took everyone a moment to remember that they were supposed to talk, and the next second Isak’s dad was smiling, eagerly shaking Even’s hand and telling Isak how nice it was to see them. Even felt like a big weight was lifted from his shoulders, but Isak was still tense, pressing his side harder into Even, like he was looking for extra support.

“Mom, this is my boyfriend, Even,” Isak said quietly and Even let go of Isak just to place his hand on the other boy’s lower back. Isak’s mother looked unsure, as if she didn’t completely understand what was happening there.

“Okay, we should get our coffees and head to the concert,” Isak’s father tried to gently guide them inside, but neither Isak, nor his mother moved from their spots.

“I need you to be okay with Even being here and us being together, mom, or this”, Isak gestured to the space between them, “won’t work. And I really want it to work.” At his last words his mother’s face changed, it became brighter and more alive, her eyes shined with forgotten kindness and she smiled just a little bit, but enough for three men next to her to breathe out. She moved closer to wrap her hands around both boys tugging them into her warm embrace and Even heard Isak whisper into her ear, “I am so sorry it took me so long.”

  

February 2017

This was the first time Even was in a hospital in a long time. He was walking back and forth down the long corridor, not being able to calm himself. Jonas brought him some water and tried to sit him down, but Even only snapped at him and returned to measuring the hallway with his steps.

“How did this even happen, tell me again?! I just can’t comprehend why you, of all people, let him get into a fight with some homophobes at that party! Gosh, I should have gone with you straight away, but no, I just had to finish that stupid project!”, he was on the verge of screaming. He knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault – not Isak’s for not putting up with someone’s homophobic crap; not his friends, who pulled one of those douchebags from Isak’s beaten body a little too late; and not his own.

He was coming to the party an hour later than Isak, at first checking in on him through texts every ten minutes, but when he was already on his way, he tucked his phone and headphones in the pocket, all too excited to see his boyfriend. But he wasn’t greeted by drunken kisses and his favourite hot body pinned against his own, no, he arrived to the sound of an ambulance and people gathering outside and whispering to one another. And then he saw his lovely little boyfriend who was led to the ambulance, supported by medical workers from both sides as he could barely move his legs. Even could feel his blood boiling and anger mixed with fear growing inside him, as he rushed to the group of guys at the side who looked beaten-up, but not as bad as his love. He was about to land a punch on one of their faces before several pairs of arms dragged him back and into a vehicle.

This is exactly how they ended up in the hospital. “Even,” he heard Magnus carefully call for him, making him snap out of his thoughts, “his doctor said that he will be fine, no concussion and no broken bones. We are allowed to see him now, but not all at the same time, you go first and Jonas will call his father.” Of course he was going first, he couldn’t bear to not see Isak another minute.

Isak looked like hell, even worse, he looked like he was dragged to hell and back several times. His arms were covered in bruises in different shades of red, purple and blue, and Even could only imagine how the rest of his body hidden by clothes looked like. He didn’t know what was the right thing to say. Should he apologise for not being there? Or should he lecture Isak about how stupid that was of him? Isak moved a little on his bed and held out his hand, inviting Even to join him. They settled on the bed, Isak resting, pressed to his boyfriend’s side for a little while, before he tilted his head and they moved their faces closer to lovingly rub their noses together. Even run his hand through Isak’s tangled hair and smiled at the sight of his boyfriend’s rosy cheeks and the feeling of his racing heart.

“Even, I’m sorry.”

“I know. And listen, if there ever will be another situation like this I will be right next to you.”

“I know.”

 

April 2017

 It wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns between them either. There were days they got tired of each other and Isak silently collected his things on his was out from Even’s flat. They hadn’t had proper fights in quite a long time, but they were replaced by passive-aggressive remarks. But even then, they never shut down each other completely. That was their rule – to not disappear.

It was one of that types of weekends, when boys decided to spend it separately. Isak invited his gang over for a pre-drink without any intention to go to the party, because this is where Even would be. They were chatting about summer plans, girls and Even, because Isak could never really shut up about his wonderful boyfriend, but his friends were always very engaged in each discussion of “Even said that/ Even and I went to…”.

Isak went to the fridge to get another round of beers, when Mahdi decided to check Instagram stories from people who were already at the party. “We need to know the competition!” agreed Magnus, leaning closer to get a better look. Blasting music and someone’s loud screams filled the room for a split second and then boys got quiet. Their faces looked like they just witnessed a murder and it made Isak laugh, “What’s going on? All the girls are taken already?”

Mahdi tried to hide his phone, but Isak was faster, grabbing the phone from his friend’s hand and pressing on the story boys just watched.

Seconds later he felt like he was drowning, his shaking fingers pressing on Even’s name in his contact list. “Pick up, pick up, pick up, you asshole!” he chanted again and again, hanging up every time just before he was sent to voicemail. Jonas had to use all his strength to force Isak to give up his phone. _Does he want to talk about it?_ No. _Does he want to go over there and talk to Even in person?_ No way. _What does he want?_ “I want to go to sleep,” he answered, pain lingering in his eyes.

Everyone left quickly after, leaving Isak lying face down on his bed. He wasn’t going to cry or throw a tantrum, he kept persuading himself. His and Even’s breather will end tomorrow and then they’ll talk about everything. About Even’s sweaty body next to a stranger, and the way he threw his head back in ecstasy, laughing at something witty that same stranger whispered in his ear. One of that guy’s hands was holding tight on to _Isak’s_ Even, while another one was sliding lower down his back. Isak didn’t have to watch it twice to have that picture set in his head frame by frame. He closed his sore eyes drifting away.

“Are you asleep?” he heard someone pulling him from the land of dreams. “Isak, are you asleep?” now he felt someone’s hot breath on his face, and it reeked of alcohol. For him it was a sobering wake up call, as the next moment he was furiously punching Even in his chest. “You are disgusting! And you decided it would be a great idea to show your stupid cheating face in here! The audacity!” Even caught his fists mid-air, bringing them to his lips, kissing every knuckle. “Nothing happened, Isak,” he didn’t even try to play dumb, “I was just dancing with him and he tried to pick me up with the worst line ever, also thinking that grabbing my butt would help him score. I told him I was very much happily taken and that this wasn’t going to change any time soon. Then I got an angry text from Jonas and rode here on my bike from another side of Oslo, completely wasted, to fall asleep next to you.”

Isak wasn’t paying attention from the part about Jonas, instead he pulled Even under the covers, positioning himself in the warm embrace of his boyfriend, pressing his back to Even’s chest and immediately falling asleep.

  

June 2017

But the good moments always outweighed everything bad. They were each other’s universes, loving entirely, with all the imperfections, which they believed only made them more perfect. They made each other laugh, and they trusted each other with every deepest secret they hid from the rest of the world. Even was Isak’s best friend and Isak was Even’s anchor. They confessed their love in every way they could, screaming it from the rooftops at parties and whispering it in each other’s ears in the poetry section of the library. They grew together, learning from their own mistakes, becoming better people, sharing the best and the worst moments.

First kiss, first fight, first sex, first _“I love you”_ , and so many more first times they had already lived through and were looking forward to experience together. First love. The sweet taste of these two words felt like fresh raspberries covered in honey on their lips.

They were remembering all of these and more, sitting on the grass under the tree in the park. They were supposed to have a picnic, but Isak forgot to bring a blanket and Even didn’t have time to put together a proper basket with food. They here snuggling next to each other, trying to hide the fact that their butts were freezing and they actually were pretty hungry at that point. The picnic was a disaster, but they talked about their perfect future together, them living in London, officially moving in together, decorating their place, cooking proper dinners to invite new friends over and traveling to every city on their bucket list. They had a long time to go before their dream life, but they liked it the way it was. The way _they were._ Mess and all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and now there will be a jump cut back to the future, just like in 500 days of Summer, when Tom entered the elevator in happy bright colours and left it in a grey depressing atmosphere. that's just how life is sometimes :(


	6. Tick where it hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the sound I heard when I was 9 and my father slammed the front door so hard behind him I swear to god it shook the whole house //  
> I think he took her heart with him when he walked out. Her chest is empty, just a shattered mess or cracked ribs and depression pills //  
> It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s all the blood in the sink.”

Tuesday.

 

“So, Even reached out to you when he came back?”

“How do you know about that?” Isak stared at his father like he just saw an UFO landing in the middle of his mom’s front yard.

“He texted me asking for your number. I didn’t know he wasn’t aware that you changed yours. He sounded kinda embarrassed but I told him that you drowned your old phone. Just didn’t know you weren’t keeping in touch at all.”

“Well yeah, long story. But here we are,” Isak gestured to his old house, “Thanks for the ride, dad.” He hugged him and got out of the car, turning around to watch his father drive away.

“No problem, Isak. Tell your mom I said “hi”, okay? Please don’t tell her that Even is moving back, she doesn’t need know right away.”

Isak’s jaw dropped to the floor but before he had a chance to stop his dad, the car was already in the driveway.

 Isak’s parents were still separated, but they made it work for most of the time. Of course sometimes his mother still looked at him like he was full of sins, and he was, don’t get him wrong, but he knew exactly what she implied by her look. It used to happen when she was off her meds for some time, or the dose prescribed by the doctor wasn’t right, Isak knew it wasn’t her fault, but deep down inside it still hurt. On these days he tried to avoid coming over to hers and ignored his father’s calls by all costs.

He was sitting in his old living room, looking at the pictures of their happy family in frames on the coffee table. In this house time didn’t move, everything was still the same as before and he wondered whether that was healthy and helpful to his mother _. She is being too quiet today and taking too long making tea,_ he thought, nervously smoothing out wrinkles on his shirt before heading to the kitchen. Their relationship felt like walking on a sharp blade – one wrong move and you will be cut in two. Isak had listened to his father and minimised the number of conversations about his personal life to almost zero, Even being the one and only boyfriend who actually met his mom.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later they were in the bathroom, their sink was a mess, all covered in blood and other liquids his mother used to disinfect the wound. Isak was running around her, trying to at least help her with a bandage, but as he took her hand is his, his mom abruptly pushed him away. They were a chaos, a hurricane destroying everything they worked so hard on building and leaving no survivors behind. Isak hit his head on a tiled wall and sunk to the floor, his mom repeating his movements. He couldn’t deal with this anymore, he needed to simply not be in this situation, he wanted to come back to being a normal teenager whose biggest problem was not knowing which university to choose. He reached out for his phone, before noticing that the shirt he was stressing out about in the morning was also stained with red smudges. He texted his father to send someone to pick his mom up and take her to the doctor.

After that he left, leaving his mother with a “Bye, mom. I love you” words.

If you could run through the city with blood stains on your clothes without losing your dignity, then Isak was handling the situation successfully. He turned around the corner and was about to pass one of the coffee shops where he used to spend a lot of time back in the day. Isak couldn’t stop himself from peeking into the café and immediately locking his eyes with Even, who was sitting right next to the window. Even raised his eyebrows in surprise and smiled like the Cheshire cat, indicating with his hands that the sit in front of him was free. He was all cozy and relaxed, wrapped in a big scarf holding the world’s largest cup of coffee, leaning in to get a sip when his eyes moved from Isak’s face and down to his body. He did it almost automatically, but what he saw stroked a nerve in him and he was already on his feet, demandingly staring at Isak, pressuring him to come in.

Isak stumbled back, feeling self-conscious, shaking his head so furiously he instantly felt dizzy. He didn’t want to be bombarded with questions and to feel Even’s concerned eyes on him. Several months ago, Even would had been the first person he would call, begging him to come and pick him up, also asking him to call Isak’s dad, and to bring a new shirt, and to hurry, because Isak couldn’t steady his breath and felt like dying. But now he knew that if he was to let Even take care of him, he would break down right in the middle of this café and the progress and he had been working on would disappear.

* * *

 

00:54 am

“Whose blood was that?”

 

1.30 am

“Isak, you can always talk to me”

“It’s a hint, if you didn’t know”

“Of course you know”

 

2:01 am

Three missed calls from **Even**

(Isak had changed his name too many times, there were versions varying from **The man of my life** and just heart emojis to **It hurts so much** and classic **Asshole**. Yes, Isak knew how dramatic he was)

 

3:00 am

“C’mon, Izzy, I know you too well to assume that you’re asleep.”

“You can never fall asleep when something bad happens.”

 

3:30 am

“Remember that time we were up all night because your mom had an episode?”

_read 3:31 am_

“Knew you weren’t asleep! I can call if you want me to?”

“Isak?”

 

5:12 am

“I am a douchebag, aren’t I? How did I not think of it?! Jesus, I am so stupid!”

 

5:35 am

Loud banging on the front door. Well, maybe not so much of a banging and not extremely loud, but enough to make Isak jump. He had to act fast before his angry sleep-deprived flat mates didn’t tear whoever was outside to pieces. _Whoever._

Even looked especially beautiful with his hair down in an uncontrollable mess and Isak secretly hoped that he was still the only one allowed to see him like this, domestic and effortlessly stunning. Too many times before Even stood in that same doorway with lust and desire in his eyes, almost undressing Isak with his gaze, but not today. Today he looked pissed. Without saying anything he went straight to Isak’s room, dragging him behind like a parent who was angry at his child.

Once in the room, Even took both of Isak’s hands in his and started examining them, then he pat his arms and shoulders working his way up to Isak’s neck and cupping his face. It wasn’t done in a romantic or sexual way, but it was still awkward, especially because all of it was done in total silence. Isak felt very small under Even’s intense gaze. Then Even raised Isak’s arms and pulled up his t-shirt. _This situation is becoming more and more absurd_ , Isak thought, twitching at the feeling of Even’s cold fingers on his stomach.

“Where did the blood come from, Isak!?” Finally everything fell into places. This was a medical check-up. “What did she do to you?”

“Oh my god, can you stop with screaming!”, Isak snapped, “the blood is my mom’s! She cut herself while cutting cheese and instead of letting me help her she pushed me away like I was some freak! Are you happy now? Is your curiosity satisfied?”

“You should’ve called me right away”

“No, I didn’t! We are fine - dad called, mom apologised, I’ll see them in a couple of weeks.”

“If everything was fine, you would be asleep. What’s on your mind?”

“Everything! Literally everything. University, mostly. The test next Wednesday. The fact that I need to pay rent tomorrow.”

“Me?”

“You”

“Isak, you don’t have to worry about me. I am here now.” Suddenly Isak became very aware of the fact that he was standing in the middle of his room with a naked torso and his ex-boyfriend next to him.

“Tell me again for how long are staying here?”

Even didn’t know what to say to that. He had an explanation for everything, but he didn’t want to tell Isak right now. Or maybe at all. That’s how he was - secretive and private. Sometimes he wondered how long it would have taken him to open up to Isak about his past, if only the situation wasn’t speeded up by Sonja’s intervention.

“I can see it in your eyes, Even.”

“Huh, sorry?”

“The dirty little secret you are hiding from me. I _know_ it, I can feel it. You said that you know me well enough to know my habits. I know yours too.” Every sentence coming from Isak sounded like a statement. “I look you at and I can see the wheels turning in your head, you choose every word _so_ carefully for someone who used to tell me everything. No one would ever notice these slightest changes in your behavior, but sadly, I do. But now I also choose to ignore them, because I am fed up with your bullshit.”

With these words Isak defiantly pointed at the door, not taking his eyes from Even. They never had a fight like this, Even had never seen this anger in Isak’s eyes. For a split second there were inches between them and their hands touched when Even moved to the door. He didn’t want to go like this, convinced that Isak hated him, but didn’t see any other choice.

“This is it? You save my life then break my heart?” he teased, quoting Twin Peaks, opening the front door. This time he didn’t hesitate to turn around and look at Isak, taking in every little detail about him.

 _Two can play this game,_ thought Isak, reflecting Even’s joke with another quote by Audrey, “You know there’s only one problem with you. You’re perfect.”

“Is this how we are gonna be now? Snapping at each other with sarcastic comebacks? Do you really not feel anything for me at all?”

“Why do you believe that it should be so easy to pick up from where we left off? Aren’t you terrified? You were my whole life and then you just weren’t there anymore.” The anger disappeared, but not the cold tone in Isak's voice.

That was a clear sign for Even to get out. The door slammed behind him and he sunk to the floor, not being able stand straight. How pathetic were they to not being able to admit they still had feelings for each other?

Behind the door Isak was steading his breath, leaning on the door.

“I think I’m falling in love with you all over again.”, he whispered, secretly hoping Even was still there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please let me know if it is still any good, because i had to rush myself to finish this chapter before friday, as my girlfriend is coming to visit over the weekend (yee-haw!)  
> 


	7. Before I make a move

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sometimes you tell someone to never call you again and then the phone rings and you hope it’s them – it’s the most twisted logic of all time."

Wednesday

 

Isak had a panic attack on Wednesday. He went to sleep right after school and woke up several hours later, grasping for air, not being able to understand where he was. The room was spinning in the dark making Isak sick. His legs were shaking and he was failing to steady his breath, harshly inhaling bits of air and instantly coughing them out.

He had a dream, a nightmare that was actually a real memory distorted by time and Isak's imagination. He bent over his bed and threw up on the floor. Everything inside of him felt toxic like his own body was trying to poison him.

The dream was always the same, and Isak always woke up at the same part, where he was left alone in the middle of Oslo at night. And then he remembered that this actually happened. He still remembered what outfit Even was wearing that day, because he spent half of the night running around the streets clutching to his clothes. He couldn't make himself let go of it, as if it was the last thing connecting him to Even back then. His Even who was somewhere completely vulnerable and out of it wandering in the dark. He still held it close to him when he was laying in his bed later that night.

He remembered the tears uncontrollably streaming down his cheeks. There were so much tears he couldn't see anything in front of him, accepting that this is how it was going to be now. His world was going to be shaken and blurry forever and he could never look at it properly anymore, because the boy he fell in love with didn’t love him back.

After all this time he knew that it was Sonja's words that hurt him the most. He simply couldn't concentrate on the information that she was throwing at him trying to grip to at least some words and make sense of them. His brain tried to put all the pieces together and now it seemed almost stupidly obvious. How could he be so oblivious? Maybe if he had noticed earlier, he would had been able to help Even that time. He remembered the breath he let out when she told him Even was safe. He can still feel his whole body tremble the same way as when he thought that something might have happened. And in his imagination every bad scenario had already happened.

 _Now. Breathe in. Breathe out. Stand up and leave your room, because it suffocates you. Breathe in. Breathe out. Get some water. Breathe. If you still feel like dying, call for Eskild. Breathe._ He used this ritual too many times in the past, which only indicated how traumatizing that night was for him. Every little part of his body and mind hurt now. It felt like he was actually reliving that night time after time and the pain never seemed to become dull. The ache was unbearable, tearing him from inside, making him scream at the walls of his room. Seconds later he was covering his mouth with his hands, because of course Eskild heard him, he was sure that everyone in the building heard him scream on the top of his lungs.

It was 6 pm and their flat was empty. Isak tip toed to the kitchen, made himself a cup of camomile tea and leaned on the kitchen’s cupboards. The terror he felt retreated letting Isak breathe properly. He looked around and instantly realised that he didn’t want to be there, standing alone, pitying himself, when he was the one who threw Even out yesterday. The memories of all times when he entered the kitchen and saw his boyfriend dancing around cooking breakfast came back, just for a second making him warm inside. If he was trying so hard to convince himself that he didn’t need Even in his life anymore, why did he still had nightmares about that night, about almost losing his mind and his beautiful wonderful boy? If after that night Isak didn’t choose to fight for their relationship, if he just believed Sonja and stayed away, he would have never experienced how absorbing it was to love and adore Even with every cell in his body.

//

It was several days after the incident in the hotel when Isak couldn’t bear to be frustrated and angry with Even, when his worry and concerns were taking over his thoughts. Every day he was waiting by Even’s locker way after the first class had already started, waiting outside every one of Even’s last classes, looking for him in a cafeteria, buying extra toasts just in hopes to run into him, spending hours in their café looking out of the window. But it was three days later and there was no sight of Even. He didn’t answer his phone and the messages weren’t going through. Of course Isak could had gone straight to Even’s place, but he was afraid to see Sonja there. To see proof of her words.

“Is Even home?” he finally gave up and dialled her number that day. She picked up almost instantly.

“We can meet and I’ll tell you everything about him,” she sounded calm, but Isak heard some muffled voices in the background and he was sure as hell that one of them was Even’s.

“No way, no. This is not how normal relationships work, you are not an essential connecting link between Even and I.”

“He is not normal, Isak! How can you be so stupid! Grow up, gosh, he is sick, he needs special care, he needs someone who knows how to handle it! You will only mess him up and hurt both of you.”

Isak felt a growing lump in his throat, he was holding back the tears that were trying to get free. _This time I am going to fight back, I am not going to stand here and let her_ _ruin us._

“Listen, Sonja, our relationship _is_ normal, I believe he can still feel what he feels and decide for himself. I am going to visit him, because only he knows what is going on inside his head. You may think that I am just a little stupid boy who doesn’t know better, but you don’t know my story and shit I’ve been through."

\\\

Why did Isak try so hard to convince himself now that he can be happy without Even, when in the process he only hurt himself more? Yes, he can move on, do the right thing and let go, but not everything in life is black and white, not every rule should be followed, not every truth is universal. _I should just stop trying to do the thing society and people around tell me is best for me, and do what really makes me happy._

* * *

“I think I’m falling in love with you all over again.” Even has been replaying the same words in his head since the moment he heard them through the closed door. He hurt Isak again just by being himself, being the back and forth kind of guy. But in reality Even knew what he wanted, who he wanted more than ever. Everything was clear when he was with Isak, who believed in him and was always by his side. Through the good and the bad. And the worst. Isak accepted him and what Even did in return? He threw him away like some toy. The type of an old toy that you cherish up until you’re in your twenties and then suddenly decide that you are all grown up now and don’t need this to keep yourself grounded and calm. Of course Isak wasn’t a toy or a phase or an _idea_.

Their life wasn’t like a film. It wasn’t a silly rom-com from the 90’s, it wasn’t a disturbing thriller or one of dystopian horrors that the last few years were flooded with. It was hard at first for Even to understand that they have a say in how their lives can play out, that they don’t have to follow any of the set ready-to-use scenarios. Now he was losing it again. Does Isak really not see that Even still loves him more than anyone in the world? Does he think that Even is playing him, that he is so evil he would come back just to fuck up Isak’s life? Does he not remember how he was the one persuading Even that his feelings are valid and his sickness doesn’t define him?

Even wasn’t feeling manic, but he didn’t really ever feel it until it was coming crushing down everything in his life. He went back on his pills a long time ago, realising that they don’t change him, but simply help him be who he is. Maybe it would have been easier if this pain in his chest and depressing thoughts in his head were predictions for an upcoming episode, but no. This was his real feelings; the ones he was still learning to live with just like anybody else.

He loved Isak. Completely, insanely and implicitly. He wanted to be with him, it was as simple and as complicated as that. Even didn’t want to weight all the pros and cons anymore, he didn’t want to be careful and analyse every signal he got from Isak, he wanted to hold him in his arms and give him his heart and never spend another minute apart. But to do that he had to tell Isak about the reason he was in Oslo, about his life in London. It was only fair to tell Isak and let him decide whether he wanted in or out, Even learned this the hard way. The way that when he finally saw Isak after the hotel incident, the younger boy burst out in tears, screaming, apologising, kicking stuff and hitting the walls with his fists. Not in anger, but in frustration and fear.

Even picked up his phone to text Isak, even though he didn’t really know what to say. He started pacing around his tiny kitchen trying to come up with words that would be honest, but at the same time not pathetic. _This should be perfect_ , he caught himself thinking before stopping and looking out of the window. _This shouldn’t be perfect or poetic, this should be normal, familiar and simple_. And then it came to him. He remembered the song Isak couldn’t get out of his head for weeks, annoying Even randomly starting to sing it in the middle of a conversation. Isak knew only a couple of lines and refused to look up the whole lyrics, always making up the rest of the song as he went. It only reminded Even that they weren’t flawless and they didn’t have to be. They could know only a few words from the song and claim that it was one their favourites, they could forget to bring everything important for an ideal picnic and still have wonderful time, they could skip parties where everyone was waiting for them only to fall asleep on the couch next to each other moments before they were supposed to head out. _We don’t need to be a perfect polished love story, we have to be us with all our demons and hidden skeletons in the closets._

6:50 pm

“Did you run away, did you run away, I don’t need to know

If you run away, if you run away, come back home”

 

Even didn’t get a chance to put down his phone when the answer popped up on the screen.

 

6:51 pm

“ _Where’s my love?_ ”

“If only you texted this a couple of minutes later, I would have been outside your door.

Ruined all the romance, shame on you ;)”

 

Even was already outside, running out of his flat just in his sweatshirt, forgetting how cold it still was at the beginning of spring. He was moving in the direction of a tram stop that Isak always used to get to his place. In the distance he saw his beloved silhouette, wading his way through the crowd with an annoyed face and a funny little wrinkles on his forehead. This moment wouldn’t go down in history as one of the most beautiful reunions of all time, it wouldn’t be featured on useless websites in the list of _10 Most Heartwarming Movie Scenes_ that people would scroll through without any particular interest. Isak was tripping over his own feet and Even was shaking from freezing wind, but that didn’t matter as well.

Even opened his arms and Isak jumped on him, wrapping his arms around Even’s neck, almost knocking him down. The next moment Even was already spinning them, supporting Isak’s weight as Isak’s legs were locked around his waist. They laughed so loud and genuine some people around them cheered in a sign of approval. When they calmed down and Isak was once again standing on his own two feet, Even lovingly brushed Isak’s fringe out his face and tucked it behind his ear, resting his own hand on the boy’s neck.

“I feel nervous,” he finally said, looking Isak in the eyes.

“Me too”

“I don’t even know why, because it’s you,” Even shifted from one foot to another, “I’ve been with you, we know each other. And I still feel like my own heart is betraying me beating like this.” Isak placed his hand on Even’s chest and raised an eyebrow catching Even’s heart racing. “That’s what I wanted to tell you. That I have no idea why you make feel so nervous.”

“I’ll show you,” Isak was already exhaling this words into Even’s lips, moving slowly and tenderly at first, being afraid that if he really went for it, everything around would shatter and it would be revealed that this was a perfect illusion. But Even was still there when they deepened the kiss, clutching on to one another, letting their tongues move together.

In this moment all heartaches, arguments, agony and tears were worth it. Everything that led them to this point didn’t matter anymore, because now they were wrapped around each other in their own little peculiar universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how are you holding up, my fellow sufferers? i pulled myself together to write this chapter and it was kind of a therapeutic experience!  
> i think this fic will have two more chapters, so thank you for sticking around for the ride xxx


	8. We keep loving anyway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Love is not an emotion. Love is a promise."

Friday

 

“Do you want to come back to that hotel?” Even asked tracing Isak’s spine with his fingers. It was early hours of the morning, the sky was painted in pastel pink colours whose glow made the outside look mysterious and magical, as if they ended up in Twin Peaks. The boys couldn’t fall asleep, so they just talked and kissed all night long. Isak shrugged and sat down looking in disbelief when he heard Even’s offer.

“Why would you suggest that?”

“I wanted to take you there on the night of my graduation, but we decided to go out of town with everybody else. I wanted to rewrite our story, to let go of that memories.”

“I can’t even pass this hotel on the street, Even. Please don’t ask me to step inside it.”

They were lying in Even’s bed in silence, bodies tangled together, but minds wondering off in different directions. Even remembered the moment he saw his little boyfriend staring at him from the other side of the schoolyard in the dark, as if he already lost hope to ever see him again. Even still had difficulties believing that someone would care so much for him despite his illness. Isak remembered the feeling of Even’s tiredness underneath his hands which he hid in Even’s hair the next morning after they finally reunited.

“You can’t fix everything, some things should stay ugly and broken for us to move forward, you know?”  
“Yeah, I know. When did you get so wise?” Isak chuckled, shutting Even up with a passionate kiss. Even would have been happy to oblige, but instead he turned his head to the side and moved a little bit further from Isak, leaving him with a questioning expression on his face.

“You told me you know my secret. Do you really?”  
“I’m not sure, I just put some facts together and came to a conclusion that…”

“I was thinking about moving back to Oslo,” Isak raised his eyebrows, waiting for Even to continue, “I already told some people that my decision was final, but it’s a lie. I’m still enrolled in uni there, I have a job and a flat.”

“And a whole new amazing life! You shouldn’t give it up.”

“Isak, don’t,” Even murmured into Isak’s ear, moving closer once again, biting his earlobe, sending a shiver down Isak’s spine. “No, I mean, London is great, it’s so awesome and full of new opportunities, but…” He really hoped Isak would understand without him explaining everything he went through.

“But what?”

“It’s so stupid when I think about it now,” Even started feeling a little bit self-conscious under Isak’s intent gaze. That’s exactly how he remembered him when the younger boy paid full attention to his words. “But it felt like the most urgent problem when I was there. One day I had friends over at mine, and one girl found my pills. Before she could ask me in front of everybody what they were for, I snapped them out of her hand, washed them down the toilet and threw the pill box out of the window.”

Isak stopped breathing for a moment with a concerned look on his face. The one that clearly said “ _Please don’t tell me that you are off your medicine, you can’t do this to yourself, please please please, tell me you didn’t come to Oslo just because you are not feeling well. I beg you, don’t take this from me_.” He cupped Even’s face with his warm palms and tenderly caressed his cheekbones. The only thing he could actually say was, “Oh, Even”.

“I waited till the last moment to get a refill.” Even felt Isak’s breath on his cheek once again and saw wrinkles between his eyebrows smoothing out. “You know, when you have an important thing to do, but you put it off until the last possible minute? Only in my case if I had waited a little longer, everything would had gone to hell. That trip to the hospital wore me out: all the paper work, medical check-ups, a million questions, plus through all of that I was holding on the last strand of my sanity.”

“Don’t say that.”

“You get what I mean. For the first time ever I _felt_ like a was getting manic every second I didn’t have my prescription. Once it was over, I locked myself inside my flat for three days, just so no one would see me like this. Then uni got hard, I couldn’t concentrate, I also wasn’t happy with my job anymore.” Isak felt an urge to squeeze Even in his arms and that’s exactly what he did. He hold Even so close and tight, they were sure they could actually become one person at that point.

“What I am saying is that everything is under control now, but I just got so tired. I bought tickets home the last minute before the break and on the plane I was making a list of whether I should go or stay forever.”

Isak wanted to ask whether he was on the “stay” or “go” side of the list, if he was on it at all, but couldn’t dare.

“So what did you decide?”

“I decided I want to get you back, pack your stuff and bring you to London with me.”

 _It’s nice._ That actually was the only thing on Isak’s mind right now. This was something he said just a week ago to the silent darkness of their taxi ride and now it was still true with the whole new meaning. It was nice to lay in each other’s arms as if the last months didn’t separate them, it was nice to be open about their feelings and thoughts, raw, unedited and honest. It was nice to be with his first and only love and finally see his future in bright colours instead of hazy faded tones.

“I sent out my applications to several universities in London this week,” Isak confessed, hoping that it wouldn’t scare Even away. But the older boy just held him tighter in his embrace, leaving quick kisses on the top of his head. “I knew where I wanted to study a long time ago, but I was afraid. To come to London, to accidentally run into you, even though that city is massive. At the same time I craved your presence in my life, acting out dozens of scenarios in my head of how I'd bump into you in the middle of a busy street. I am not doing this just for us, I am doing it because I believe this will truly make me happy. Especially with you by my side”

“Every step of the way.”

* * *

 

 “Why did you choose to stay?” Even was walking Isak to school, even though Isak was very tempted to skip it all together and just stay in Even’s bed forever and ever, letting _his boyfriend_ feed him cheesy toasties all day long.

“Huh?” Isak stopped playing with Even’s fingers and hid their intertwined hands in the pocket of his jacket to save them from cold. Spring was insensibly catching up with winter, replacing dark mornings with warm tones of the sunlight, but the air still felt frosty, slightly nipping at their pink cheeks.

“I know people pictured our relationship as some ideal thing, but we certainly had a rather bumpy road. We had our ups and downs.”

“Um, is being head over heels in love with you not a good enough reason?”

“Oh-oh, why are you being so sweet all of a sudden? Are you feeling okay? Feverish?” Even tried to touch Isak’s forehead as if he was measuring his temperature, but Isak caught his hand in the air and kissed his cold knuckles instead.

“Shush, you love it! No, but I know we gave each other more than enough reasons to just say “fuck it” and walk away, but we also made a promise to each other, and it meant more to me than anything else in the world.”

It was a promise to stay. To try their best to love each other through everything: through happiness, ache, all absorbing love and tears. They have seen the best and the worst parts of each other. Isak was next to Even’s side when he had his ups and downs, staying awake through whole nights just to make sure that Even was sleeping and waking up too early to visit numerous doctor appointments to adjust his meds. Even held Isak close when his soft boy felt like the world was too scary for him and that people in his life were disappointed in him. A simple promise to stay even if on some days they couldn’t love each other like they should have. They straightened their shoulders, took each other’s battles and stayed. Because they knew that there’s always a tomorrow that will allow them to love each other the way they should. To the fullest, drowning in their affection, choosing each other over and over again.

They were already standing in front of the entrance to the school, which held so many memories about them it could fill several books with stories about sneaking around, proudly marching hand in hand in front of people, laughter till they cried their eyes out, silly conversations with their friends, cute little moments and so much happiness. Isak and Even were just standing there enjoying comfortable silence, arms wrapped around each other and faces glowing with smiles so bright it was impossible for people who were passing by to even try to describe what these boys were feeling in this moment. Even took a step forward and leaned closer almost bumping his forehead in to Isak’s face, while admiring his beautiful boy. _How could he be real?_  Sometimes Even questioned his own common sense, not believing that such an extraordinary person could walk this Earth next to him.

The world beyond the two of them did not exist anymore, they only saw each other, ignoring familiar faces filling the schoolyard. “What are we going to do next?” Even asked eagerly, as if he wasn’t terrified of what their future had in store for them. They heard their friends calling for them from afar. Isak’s squad clearly wasn’t sensing the importance of the moment Isak and Even were sharing, quickly closing the distance between them. “I have no idea,” Isak murmured pulling Even in for a tight hug, brushing his cheek over Even’s, “we try to be right for each other. Isn’t it wonderful? To not have any expectations and just love each other?"

“It _is_ wonderful. And with you in it, it's a wonderful life."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please let me know what you think, i'll really appreciate it!  
> one last chapter to go and also season 3 is finishing next week, so idk what i'm going to do with my life (probs finally concentrate on my uni assignments) xx


	9. Loving you will never be hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I knew I liked you when you made me nervous, and my heart would beat faster when I saw you. I knew I loved you when I felt calmer with you than without you."  
> Thank you for existing at the same time as me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go, pals! the last chapter is finally here, sorry it took quite a long time. i hope you are still enjoying this and you will like the way i decided to wrap things up!

August 2018

Even was standing in the middle of the crowd, nervously shifting his weight from one leg to another looking impatiently at the doors. He saw happy families returning home from holidays, all tanned and rested; crying fathers on their knees hugging their kids, with whom they were apart for too long; other parents running towards their older kids, who were coming home to visit their family; reunited lovers kissing affectionately. Everything around was love. For the first time he was happy to be in the airport, he felt like he was almost on edge, getting up on his toes every time someone new entered the waiting area, even though he was clearly the tallest one and there was no way the person he was waiting for wouldn’t see him right away.

Even’s face instantly lit up when he saw the golden curls in the new wave of people leaving with their baggage. Isak was dragging two massive suitcases behind him, looking around in shock, taken aback by the number of people in front of him, before he noticed Even.

They didn’t say anything or rushed into each other’s arms across the room, instead they moved slowly closing the distance between them step by step. With every step they let go of painful memories and days spent apart, let go of lonely nights and just as lonely days. When the boys were finally reunited they stood next to each other in silence, Even’s arms slowly wrapping around Isak’s waist and Isak’s arms resting on Even’s shoulders. Even was finally reunited with one of the best feelings of all time – Isak’s tender hands on his cheeks and shared breaths between their almost touching lips. They smiled into each other’s necks and finally kissed not hello or goodbye, but just _kissed_ , stretching this moment into infinity. Because now they had all the time in the world to be together.

They made it work. And neither of them knew if they would be together forever and ever, but that was the plan. And as Isak quoted someone much wiser than the both of them, they were taking it one day at a time. One hour at a time. Very rarely, but still, sometimes just one minute at a time.

Some days were still too much to handle, that’s why they locked themselves in their apartment somewhere in Greater London and took care of each other. On these days Even was sleeping more hours in a day then he was awake and Isak moved quietly around their flat, trying not to disturb his boyfriend. Sometimes Sonja texted him to make sure he was able to make things work and to check up on Even. He couldn’t call it friendship but at some point their conversations extended to more than Even’s wellbeing. Isak was sure he could feel her beautiful smile when she caught them on the good days and Even was singing silly pop songs on the background of their phone call.

On the good days, even the best days, which number greatly exceeded the bad ones, they loved each other with everything that they had. Sometimes Isak’s parents would come from Oslo and stay with them, because they are _parents_ and “We know you two have everything under control, but we still have a right to worry whether you are eating properly and finish your uni works in time!” Isak loved when Even’s mom had time to visit, and everything just felt right with her. Maybe it was because she smiled as bright as Even and she took them to the most amazing places in London, or because his boyfriend turned into a cute soppy boy when it was time for her to leave and she would kiss them on their foreheads a trillion times before her name was called out by the airport staff. Even would press his whole body into Isak’s side, letting the younger boy hold him tightly and laugh through tears as his mom would turn one last time to bless them with her smile.

Sometimes it took everything Isak had to not freak out and break down in the middle of their dusky kitchen. Because heartbreak is not always about losing someone, it’s about caring so much about them that their pain starts flowing through your own veins. And for Isak this pain wasn’t about crushed ribs and choking on his own tears, it was about making some food for his boyfriend trying to not throw up, stopping his hands from shaking so much that tea is spilled all over the kitchen counter and figuring out what jam to put on the toasts. Because Even hadn’t been outside in a week, and no matter how long they’ve been together Isak always silently and selfishly hoped that one day the highest high might not be followed by the lowest low. Because one day Even wakes him up at 3 am just to hungrily kiss him and touch him, god _, touch him_ everywhere, leaving his marks all over Isak’s pale skin, and the next day there’s not much left from his Even, only cold skin and sunken eyes. But Isak always knew that the day would come when Even would wake him up with snuggles and kisses and the happiest most precious smile which lit up his whole face. Because no matter how good or bad life is at the moment, everything will eventually come back to the middle. And it was up to them to make that “middle” the best damn time of their lives.

There are moments when their life was screams and arguments because _I don’t need a freaking caretaker, Isak!_ and slamming doors and sinking to the bathroom floor and letting the loud sobs escape. Sometimes it was kissing in the underground and smiling in between because even though they had to take different lines to get to unis, they knew they were meeting at the same spot in the evening to come home hand in hand. Their life was quite _I love yous_ whispered into each other's skin first thing in the morning and it was loud _I love yous_ which echoed with heavy moans last thing at night. It was Magnus, Jonas and Mahdi trying to fit onto one couch in their living room when they came to visit, noisy and all over the place, but neither Isak nor Even had anything against it. It was Isak crashing at Noora’s place when he and Even had an argument and facetiming Eskild (because _yes_ , he is his guru), while Even was talking to Linn on the phone (no one knew when exactly these two became best buddies) and it always ended with all of them facetiming together from different places in the same cities, Even coyly telling Isak, “Just come home already, Noora’s wi-fi sucks anyway”. Their life was a wall filled with photos of them, Even’s sketches and dozens of little quotes like “In infinite time” or “Can’t I just stay here with you forever?” which reminded them of the journey they were on.

* * *

 Isak was on the dance floor with his friends in some posh Soho nightclub, having the best time of his life. Everything was just right - the people around him, the amount of alcohol in his system that let him move freely to the bit of a highly overplayed but still quite catchy song. Maybe for the first time in his life Isak felt comfortable being in the centre of attention, openly flirting back with a girl that moved next to him. He didn't remember whether he even knew her name, but god she was gorgeous and Isak wasn't afraid to admit it.

Her hands were on both of his sides guiding his hips intact with her body and he was pretty sure that somebody was pressing their body to his back as well. The situation was getting more and more amusing for him when the girl in front of him moved closer and tried to whisper something in his ear, but her words were muffled by the loud music. Maybe she was asking him if he was alone here, maybe she was inviting him to the bathroom with her, he didn't really care, because when she tried to kiss his neck, he locked his eyes with the most beautiful man in the room.

Isak _wasn't alone_ here. Even was casually leaning on the bar, one arm resting on top of it, and a drink in the other one. Isak wasn't sure if he was trying to look like James Dean or Alex Turner tonight with his hair perfectly styled and a simple white t-shirt with a leather jacket that was resting on the chair next to him. The other boy also looked rather entertained, corners of his mouth curling into a knowing smile. Their friends were quite shocked by how calm Even was, exchanging amused glances with them and letting out funny remarks about the situation. It wasn’t a game for him and Isak, they weren’t keen on making each other jealous or trying out each other’s patience, they were just having fun. The kind of fun that only comes when you are 110% sure in your partner. “You do know that you can just come over? You guys are so weird with all the staring across the room,” laughed one of their friends.

Isak smiled back at his boyfriend and raised his eyebrow, silently asking, “Are you just going to stand there all night?” The girl moved back a little when she didn’t get a respond but was still eagerly grinding next to Isak, while he was fixated on Even. Because, oh god, Even’s eyes drove him mad. The lust spilling out of them was almost impossible to handle and Isak was about to open his mouth to call for him, when Even tilted his head teasing his little boyfriend for his impatience. He slowly put away his drink and straightened up running his hand through his hair. Isak’s heart skipped a beat when a little piece of Even’s porcelain skin right above his jeans’ waistband was exposed when he lifted his arm. Isak’s heart continued to act out with every step Even took moving closer and closer to him, which made him question whether he would still have a pulse when they will be together again. Even looked down at the girl next to Isak and coughed loud enough so that she could focus her attention on him. It didn’t even have to be said that he wasn’t here for her, the way his eyes followed every Isak’s move gave away his intentions. She smiled and blew a kiss to both of them before completely disappearing in the crowd.

“Very sense8, don’t you think?” Even whispered into Isak ear, finally moving closer and colliding their bodies together. He kissed his way down to Isak’s collarbones while his hands disappeared underneath the younger boy’s t-shirt and settled on his sides with just enough pressure for Isak to let out a silent moan and make him throw his head back in pleasure. One touch and it was over for Isak, that’s just the way it was for him with Even. He knew exactly what Even was talking about: unknown bodies moving together, pressed to each other, almost becoming one in a not so innocent way. It seemed like every person in the room felt the same way: turned on and high on lust.

One moment Even’s hands were wondering underneath Isak’s clothes and the next they were in his boyfriend’s hair pulling him closer, kissing him deeper and Isak could feel Even smile against his own lips. Their bodies lazily moved to the beat of the song, more interested in not breaking the physical contact than in actually dancing, and it felt like they were touching _everywhere_ : their chests rising and falling steadily against each other, hips slightly bumping, hands not being able to stop feeling the other’s body, lips pressed together, and _eyes_. Even wasn’t breaking an eye contact with Isak, looking straight past all the fears and doubts into his soul to only find himself there.

“Should we go home?” Isak whispered, finally pulling away a little to catch a breath. His hand was already slipping into Even’s, when the older boy enthusiastically nodded not being able to put his feeling into words.

It was quite a long way home for them from the centre, but they didn’t mind. What started off as a heated taxi ride filled with kisses and shushed moans somewhere in the middle turned into Isak falling asleep, resting his head on Even’s chest, while Even hooked his arm around his little boyfriend and supported his peaceful body. He looked out of the window as they passed the all too familiar sights by now, enjoying the tranquility of the night city, his hand softly stroking Isak’s curls. He couldn’t stop himself from holding his breath to be able to hear their synced heartbeats and smiling down at the view of Isak’s calm sleeping face.

Even hoped all Isaks and Evens in all the universes scattered around all time and space were holding each other right now, because he felt just a little too much love for only one Even to handle without exploding. He hoped other Evens were brave enough to still be around. And he believed they all went through pain and took it all in, _because pain makes us human_ , he thought. And they all stood proudly to face the better days, which were filled with laughter and love. All Isaks and Evens didn't run, but stayed. And they lived. Oh god, what a marvellous, full of fantastic moments life they had in front of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know that season 3 is over and i can't wait to find out who will be the main character in the next season, but please take care of yourself and enjoy life right now!  
> alt er love <3  
> okay, i decided to stop being afraid, so here is my tumblr - [Welcome!](https://look-so-classy.tumblr.com)  
> it looks awful and all over the place, but do come say hi if you want and also you can send me ideas for one shots regarding skam if there's anything you'd like me to write about!


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